it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
