Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
