cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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