So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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