please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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