It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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