I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
