My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
