alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
