I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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