drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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