WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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