After last night, I could never be a politician.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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