I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're my little dorito
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
