I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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