I accidentally burped into my bong.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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