The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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