a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
