I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
