Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
