If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
