so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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