you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
