I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
