I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
