At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
