You really coming over, don't trick.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
