theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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