All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
