I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
