Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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