You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
