gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
