Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
