Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
