Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
