everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
