Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
