Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
