Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
