Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
