I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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