How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
thus making me awesome and them whores
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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