i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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