Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
