i need an iv and a liver transplant
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
