So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
