I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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