Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
