Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
