and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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