Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
