No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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