Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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